I’m not one to ever boast prophetic revelations. I’m just not wired that way. However…
I believe that I heard from God.
Now when I say “heard”, I don’t mean:
- a loud booming voice
- a ray of Pauline light
- a talking donkey
- a burning bush
- a pillar of fire
- a following cloud
What I do mean is, well, less dramatic than all of that. It’s more vague and ethereal. But it’s no less true, that I’m sure. Here’s what my experience has in common with all of those Old Testament experiences:
It was experiential.
Sounds redundant, doesn’t it? But I don’t think that it is. The point is, it happened to me, and I’m sure that the timing of the revelation, the happenstance of it, the uncanny relevance for me at that moment… it was real. Haven’t felt that kind of personal certainty with regards to my faith in a long time.
So what happened? I got an answer.
As most of you know, the focus of my blog has changed to reflect the change in my life. Moving to Colorado is the surface of that change. It’s more of an internal change though.
Rewind to mid-July. I was offered the chance to join Liteye in Colorado. Talk about flattering! But there was a lot to leave behind in Dallas. I owed them a response by the following weekend, and quite frankly, I was sick with worry and doubt. Was I really the right person? Did I have it in me? How would I ever find a core group of friends that could ever measure up to those in Dallas?
So I went out driving.
I ended up at a church I don’t attend. I asked one of the weekend workers if I could pray in the lobby. He let me in with a smile. I found a quiet sofa to myself and opened my dusty bible. It’s one of my favorites, The Message paraphrase. Here’s what I turned to on a whim — yes, as cheesy as that sounds:
Psalm 32:1) Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be – you get a fresh start, your slate’s wiped clean. Count yourself lucky – God holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him.
Wow! Yeah, ok, that’s me. I kept reading…
3) When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became day-long groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”
At this point, I couldn’t hold it back. I just sat there crying. You see, I had all this decision-making pent up inside me, stressing me out. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do. You see how many “I”s are this paragraph? That was the problem. I kept reading…
5) Suddenly the pressure was gone – my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared. These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we’ll be on high ground, untouched.
Again, wow. Yeah, that was what I felt, like I finally could just be broken before God, powerless to deduce the correct answer, and just give up. I felt at the end of my rope. And I think that’s where God wanted me to be. But look at this:
7) God’s my island hideaway, keeps danger far from the shore, throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.
My God, isn’t that an incredible image? How undeserved such lavishing! I can’t tell you how comforting that was. I had felt so alone for so long, which is very ironic, given that I was in a city with many friends and family members. Why should I feel alone? Probably for much the same reason you can feel alone in a crowded room? Whatever the reason, I believe God was telling me that it’s ok to be brokenhearted and risk telling Him about it. More encouragement:
33:22) Love us, God, with all you’ve got – that’s what we’re depending on.
34:4) God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears.
34:17) Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
The interesting thing about that day in the lobby of the church I didn’t attend, was that I didn’t get my answer. At least not the answer to the Big Question that so clouded my mind all week long. I wasn’t given a clarion signal or neon sign message to GO TO COLORADO, or STAY IN DALLAS. Nope.
But I was given hope. I was given peace and rest. It was ok to rest with God and tell Him that I couldn’t make this decision on my own. I needed to be pushed in one direction or the other.
The adventure continues…