Life-o-Meters

For a brief few weeks over a year ago, I was gauging my life in a literal fashion, where others might keep such internal dialogs to themselves. As Homer Simpson adroitly described the phenomenon:

I said the loud parts quiet and the quiet parts out loud.

At least that’s the most eloquent way I can put a rather odd and somewhat embarrassing page of my past: the Life Meters.

First, a little history. One day, I found this funny little plastic thing at work that resembled a meter hand. It was like an epiphany of sorts: there before me, sat a lightning rod of revelation. So I punched a hole in my hollow office door and mounted the bare plastic meter hand. But something was obviously missing. What was this meter hand pointing to? What’s a meter without a set of tick marks to gauge the hand’s progress from one point to another? Indeed.

So, straightaway I set to making these bizarre backings to which the meter hand could point. What can I say? It was a late night. The meters themselves were, rather uninterestingly, divided into 5 scales on a half-circle pie chart. There were a whole series of them: Rob’s Eligibility Meter, Rob’s Attitude Meter, Rob’s Salary Meter, Rob’s Religio-meter, all interchangeable. Of course, the tick marks on the meters contained text explaining the position of the hand. They were thusly:

Rob’s Attitude Meter:

1. This sucks!
2. Life is a half-empty cup
3. I’m even-Steven
4. Life is a half-full cup
5. Wow, life is great all the time!

Rob’s Religio-Meter:

1. Damned sinner
2. Loves himself too much
3. Lukewarm
4. Loves others & God as himself
5. Holy perfection

Rob’s Salary Meter:

1. I’m broke
2. I could use a little more
3. Bills = wages
4. I have all that I need
5. I’m rich

Rob’s Eligibility Meter:

1. Repulsive, broke, and stupid
2. Educated but lost in the crowd
3. Average, everyday Joe
4. Witty and stands above the rest
5. Tall, dark, and handsome

And for a few weeks, depending on my mood at the time, the meter would be pointing to various positions. But after mining this interesting little facet for all it was worth, I retired the Life Meters.

Perhaps I will devise a more interesting and quantitative method of measuring my life’s worth someday. Hopefully, this wondrous new machine will be electronic and whirr with lights and buzzers. That would be novel!